STARS AND CARDS TAROTSCOPE (MAY 2015)

Taurus (April 21 - May 21) Simply put, this month will absolutely suck for you. No new job, no getting lucky, and no chance to save or have extra money. Your best option for the month of May is the local fertility clinic... new job (hand), getting lucky (with yourself), and getting paid (by the once). Two of the three you were going to do anyway. On a positive note, June is only 30 days away. . Gemini (May 22 - June 21) Wake up buttercup, it’s the 21st century and you still have a Blackberry. Time to step up and step out of the cave you’ve been in, build some new connections and strengthen- the ‘90s are so last century. You can be part of the New World Order but only if you have both eyes, both ears and you mind open.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) 12, 25, 36, 42, 44 & 13... Play these numbers this month- they can’t be any worse than the ones you’ve been using. Plan “A” should not be “if you’re not in it you can’t win it”. In fact, you need to be more like your Big brother Bob... the financial stability you seek is waiting for you so get up, get out, and make a decision on your future. Stop letting Yolanda Vega be your job coach. P.S. If anyone actually hits on those numbers I want a cut. . Leo (July 23 -August 21) McDonolds is never going to give you $15/hr. The time is now to take a chance on something new. You want to earn real money then go out and earn it. Get educated (GED, back to college, whatever), pick a career (not just a job) that pays well and work your way up. Honestly “do you want that supersized” isn’t a catchy or clever tagline for anyone, unless your Jonny Holmes or Ron Jeremy.

Virgo (August 22 - September 23) Virgo the virgin, I don’t think so. May is your month for hooking up and not just with anyone, you’ll be collecting some of those benefits with friends. There is some of that “college experimenting” on the horizon for you. If anyone asks if you are gay, just say, “only as gay as I have to be”.

Libra (September 24 - October 23) How’s it hanging Libra, word on the street is not well. Your rep is mostly smoke and mirrors right now and the only thing quicker than you is the stories about that. Fortunately for you Calais isn’t looking for a new spokes person, so ride out this ED period in your life, and get back in the saddle next month and think of you kindergarten teacher (unless she was hot) then think of your Mom (unless she is hot) then think of your Dad.

Scorpio (October 24 - November 22) Time to slow down a little, not everyone hates the game, sometimes the player gets what they deserve. Your unsportsmanlike conduct with some of the new teammates will make them not give you the ball and shut down you ability to score or even be a part of the team.

Sagittarius (November 23 - December 22) All work and no play makes Jack lots of money; it also makes Jack a miserable bastard. As your world spins out of control you need to let go those problems that are not yours. Set aside your Democratic ways and gain back your independence because life isn’t a Tea Party, you’re working your ass off because those around you aren’t. Time for some tough love, for yourself and those that think you owe them.

Capricorn (December 23 - January 20) Time to cut the cord, if you’re old enough to read this it’s time to get off the tit. For too long now you have been mothered and cuddled, face the challenges ahead on your own with your big boy pants pulled up. Your complete transformation is further down the road but this is will be a good start and gain you some street cred.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 19) There is no rest for the wicked, and there are no friends in a game of Russian roulette. A new chapter is opening in your life and it is all on you to make it work. You know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dream, so here you go again on your own down that road you’ve ever know. Like that drifter you were born to walk alone.

Pisces (February 20- March 20) One word ... Lithium. At this moment you are unbalanced, unfocused and out of control. Please consult a medical professional for a legal prescription and remember that any thoughts of suicide, rectal bleeding, thoughts of suicide because of rectal bleeding or suicide by rectal bleeding are possible side effects and you should addressed immediately.

Aries (March 21 - April 20) Congratulations... for once you are balanced and not rushing in to decisions without thinking. However unlike Chrissie Hynde; you are not in the middle of the road, you have moved to an extreme position and oddly enough that is working for you right now. Be it to the Right (Rush) or the Left (Obama) you have found a happy place, be well and enjoy the peace while it lasts.