March 2018 Horoscopes
Pisces (February 19–March 20): I regret to inform you, Pisces, but March is not your month. Your long stretch of personal and professional failures has caused you to finally hit rock bottom. This is not the time to change your ways, though. Keep doing exactly what you've been doing. Maybe you'll last until April, where you will definitely shine, but for now, stay in bed and wade out the storm.
Aries (March 21–April 19): If you're going through hell right now, you should probably just simmer—I mean, sit there for a bit. Build up that base tan, move a couple stones, get your beach bod back. Summer is right around the corner and you could use some motivation to get out of that hole you dug for yourself.
Taurus (April 20–May 20): One of the things about all the snow melting is seeing the varying consistencies of dog dookie left on the sidewalks. You could blame the owner, or you could blame the weather; but why cast blame when you could just walk around it like everybody else? If it's your dog, try not to step in what you're scoopin' up and always wash your hands. Listen to “Dog Shit” by the Wu Tang Clan to feel connected to your earthly duties.
Gemini (May 21–June 20): “Measure twice, cut once!” is what the mohel always told me. Or was it the woodworker? Either way, it's good to be precise or you'll end up screwed.
Cancer (June 21–July 22): So much to do, so much to see, so what's wrong with taking the back streets? Get out of your comfort zone this month. Find a country road and put on your Spotify Discover Weekly playlist and get lost in something new. Top 40 is not your friend, but Fela Kuti is.
Leo (July 23–August 22): You had one job! Now you have two. Making money is cool and all, but do you really enjoy what you are doing? Life is too long to be bogged down by a time card. Maybe you should start a newspaper or get into standup comedy. Boom. Instant happiness and tons of income! “Poor People Store” by Shinyribs comes to mind.
Virgo (August 22–September 22): Don't piss off your neighbor this week. He happens to have a very established connection with some real delinquent Sagittarius who owns a couple of Super Soaker flamethrowers that do, like, 800 damage.
Libra (September 23–October 22): Now, look in the mirror and tell me what you see. I'll tell you what I see. I see pride! I see power! I see a badass motha' that don't take no crap off of nobody!
Scorpio (October 23–November 21): I looked at the stars, and they said that there is an abundance of quality live music in your future. From local shows to festivals, you should get your Hi-Liters primed for your programs and Carousel calendars henceforth. You will find a new band this month named Shannon & the Clams. They are good.
Sagittarius (November 22 –December 21): Today is the day we give babies away for a pound of sugar and a bale of hay. If you haven't any babies, and would like some, may I suggest finding a mate with similar interests and compatibility, or looking for the mother that has the most use for both sugar and hay.
Capricorn (December 22–January 19): Here is a good tip on feeding your donkeys: Do NOT overfeed them! While you should always have some clean, filtered water for them, these asses require far less feed than horses or other domesticated animals, closer to the camel. Overfeeding results in obesity and metabolic disorders like laminitis and hypolipidemia.
Aquarius (January 20–February 18): You got five on it?
