THE HAPPIEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE
une has always been, and still remains, the most popular month to marry. If you’re unfamiliar with the ins and outs of the traditional wedding (read: the kind that rich people with actual jobs attend), look no further, as I’ve compiled a handy 7-step guide! It’s just like the 12 steps of AA, except your life won’t get better, and it doesn't discourage drinking. Salud!
Know people who get married. Before two weekends ago I had never been invited to a wedding, probably because most of the people that I know are single men pushing 40, and you aren’t allowed to marry a can of Miller High Life, a YouTube video compilation of people falling off of stuff, or your own hand in the great state of New York. Actually that isn’t true- I did get invited to my cousin’s wedding a few years ago, but that one doesn’t count as it was a dry wedding, and weddings are only real if you get to watch drunk people attempt to hit on other people’s moms. So get to know some couples! You can find couples at... I’m not really sure actually. What do couples who love each other do? Groceries? I don’t know, just start knocking on doors, you’ll strike oil eventually!
Get invited to a wedding. This one seems like a no-brainer, but apparently there are some people out there (cough,cough OWEN WILSON!) who find “wedding crashing” to be a laughing matter. Well my very own grandmother died in an unbelievably gruesome (yet exciting) wedding crash, so you will not find me laughing about that for even one second! Just wait by your mailbox for the invitation of your dreams to come along. Or actually- no! The right invitation will find you when you stop looking (wink!). In order to even be considered for invitation, however, you have to qualify, which brings me to Point 3:
Be an appropriate person. A former co-worker of mine got married a few years ago, and at the discovery that every employee other than yours truly was invited, I became unreasonably pissed. When I thought about it again six years later, I realized that the person I was at that time in my life was absolutely not someone I would want anywhere near my closest friends and family. So a belated congratulations to you, former co-worker! I hope your wedding has not yet ended in divorce as I not so silently assumed that it would to everyone else we worked with!
RSVP. Do people not know this already? I researched “wedding guest etiquette” because it’s my job as a writer to Google stuff, and this made a lot of the lists. Do not be this person. Do not be the guy who clearly used the nicely calligraphed envelopes carrying laser-cut lace invitations to break up their weed on. Everyone will hate you, though you probably won’t even notice as clearly you are some total idiot who has managed to skate through life protected by the cushion of your own inflated sense of importance. How did you even make it past the “be an appropriate person” step?!
Use the registry. I detest consumerism. I mean besides my iPhone. And clothing. And makeup. And candles. You know what I mean though. I’m still better than other people who are also into those things. My dog is a rescue. Anyhow, despite standing against the idea of buying someone a gift solely for the purpose of adhering to some sort of social grace, I can tell you that no one, and I mean no one, wants some mess of a something you spent four months crocheting them, I don’t care how “caring” the gesture. The wedding ceremony is in honor of one thing and one thing only: CASH MONEY. And love and commitment, but mostly Le Creuset Heritage Bakeware sets in Soleil. Choosing items for a gift registry is clearly the most exciting aspect of wedding planning for that couple you just met at the grocery store, as evidenced by the $114 champagne flutes and Tory Burch dishes resembling the most expensive cabbage you will ever see in your life. If you’re broke like... not me... just go with the garlic press; everyone wants one, no one wants to buy one, and even the good shit is only like, $18. Doneskis!
Don’t eat like how you normally eat. Read: disgustingly. No shoveling. Maintain conversation. Come up for air. I am not entirely sure how one actually goes about doing this, but I realize that when I eat, I tend to fall into some sort of incomprehensible blackout, only to snap out of it to find everyone else politely picking at their salad between sips (what is this “sip”?) of white wine, laughing quietly, and graciously thanking their hosts. Then again, most of my meals consist of bags of Doritos and there’s just no way not to be gross about that. Again, just be an appropriate person, and leave some bruschetta for the other guests.
Don’t get sloppy hammered... right away. Okay, I don’t drink, and I usually cannot stand drunk people, but a wedding is THE place for the social drinker (or you know what, even the problem drinker in this case, because what the hey, this is the happiest day of my life!) to shine on like the charming, hilarious, not sexually inappropriate diamond they think they are, and the terribly embarrassing “is someone recording this?!” mess they actually are in real life. Everyone knows the best part of a wedding, besides the dressing up, and the eating (and the love, egh GOD leave me alone!), is the dancing! The wedding dance floor affords the rare occasion where it’s just somehow okay to dance for hours to a cover band playing the worst music ever that everyone hates, but still secretly likes, but can’t admit to liking. And who is the oil in this finely tuned machine? Drunk guy (or girl)! Drunk guy is there for the slow jams, drunk guy is there in the conga line, drunk guy is there to take the mic away from the wedding singer, and just when you thought you couldn’t be more repulsed, drunk guy comes through with “the Sprinkler!” Just pace yourselves, drunk guys and girls of everywhere, we look to you for guidance as we struggle to make it through the Macarena. Drunk guy isn’t in the photobooth though, I AM IN THE PHOTOBOOTH, and you can’t make me leave on my special day.
Now go get ’em, you crazy kids! I got a good feeling about you guys! (Cue drunk guy singing Shania Twain’s Still the One.)
