BEAT THE HEAT: KRISSY'S GUIDE TO STAYING COOL THIS SUMMER

With the recent passing of June 21st marking the summer solstice, it is official: summer is here!

It has recently come to my knowledge that I am the only person, save for that super-rich/possibly albino guy who owns Virgin (and possibly all the linen pants in the universe), who actually enjoys the warm temperatures the season brings. The rest of you take to the modern-day trumpets that are Facebook and Twitter to air your grievances AND I HAVE HEARD YOUR CRIES, thick-skinned people of the Northeast!

I think of you all as my children, of which I definitely have a favorite (I don’t know why parents say it’s impossible to choose- it’s the cute one), and as your mother I feel it’s my responsibility to birth knowledge unto you, as I birthed you from my own perky yet ample bosom (or however it works) not so long ago. With the help of the millions of content-recycling websites that live to pander to the people, I found tons of simple, practical and affordable solutions to remedy that which ails you. They are great! Incredibly helpful. These are not them. You’ll have to Google that yourself. And would it kill you to call me once in a while?!

Shave your head! This is probably the most reasonable thing a person can do in an attempt to cool themselves off, and if you have already tried this, apologies if it seems like I phoned this one in. It’s like the old saying goes, “go big or go home, or turn on the A/C, or just shave off all of your hair.” You’re familiar with that saying, yeah? It’s a pretty good one, and can apply to several areas of your life, assuming those areas are somewhere within the spectrum of “it’s hot out” to “bad breakup.”

Forgo clothing! Do you know the number one cause of being too hot? Temperature. Now, do you know the number one most effective way to make the number of temperatures be low? Less clothes! Remember how everyone was wearing a lot of clothes in the winter? Well, this is gonna sound pretty radical, but if you just do a reversies on that, you’ll find that the exact opposite thing of being warm (being cool) will happen to your body! So stop complaining about how dumb shorts look, take off your ten thousand pounds of sweat-soaked denim jeans, reveal those disgusting legs, and just watch in wonder as those temperatures drop by the dozens!

Make popsicles! This is a cheap, easy and fun solution. Simply pour your favorite beverage into a popsicle mold and freeze overnight (for additional fun, add berries, coconut shreds, a splash of alcohol, or whatever new drug is killing young people in Florida). Once your treats are frozen, remove from the freezer and rub all over your body, remembering to leave one in each bra cup, and one tucked into the band of your underwear. Brrr, so cold! Thanks popsicles!

Stay wet all the time! Swimming is such a popular summertime activity because a) no one is in any way self-conscious about what their body looks like in skin tight clothing, and b) water is wet! And wetness is colder. Just ask any fish (except that bossy-ass lionfish in accounting. You say “devil’s advocate,” I say “you’re being a dick, lionfish, WHY YOU GOTTA ARGUE ALL THE TIME?!”). But yeah, for maximum cool, make it ice water (melted popsicles), keep your clothes on, and do this before you shave all that beautiful hair off.

Move into a walk-in cooler! With Airbnb being all the rage these days, it should be absolutely no problem for you to sublet your apartment until October and move into a walk-in cooler. You will definitely not be hot, and you might even find some cool stuff back there (hel-lo half a giant tub of expired mayonnaise!)

Personal Fanning-Boy! Okay, yes. I very rarely complain about the heat, but if I have to turn my back on the single most best season life has to offer to get me my very own personal fanning-boy then byyyeee (talk to the hand, summer!). The hopes of someday having a personal fanning-boy of my own is pretty much the only reason I do any type of responsible, productive, being-a-functional-human-in-the-world-type maintenance on myself and in my life. Future personal fanning-boy, if you’re reading this, I’ll provide the palm leaves. You just be ready to treat the air around me with a gentle wafting. And feed me Doritos like they’re grapes. And quit your job at whichever radio station you work at, John Fanning (100.something, or something)! Put that surname to good use already!

Reverse psychology. When the heat just will not relent, look no further than the scientific (?) method preferred by frustrated mothers of children age 8-12 the world over: reverse psychology. Can’t lose another layer without facing charges punishable in a court of law? That’s okay. I like having a soaked layer of cotton sticking to my sweaty torso. A/C broken? Finally! I’ve been waiting for that thing to go out since 2011. YOU CAN’T BREAK ME, SUMMER!

Just follow any or all of the above stated tips and you’ll be smacking the sunglasses off that smug-ass cartoon sun in no time! Either that, or just shut up already, it’s summer