A PRACTICAL GUIDE TO STAYCATION
Congratulations to all you youngsters out there who are still able to operate under that blissfully ignorant notion that life will just hand you a break for three months, once a year!
I should not be so hard on you guys. After all, this is Binghamton, not one of them there fancy Hamptons, so I know all the townies and their teachers are gonna be out here in the real world doing what we do: work! (Well, by “we” I mean “you” as it is stated in the contract of my fashion model/Wicked Smart Doctor, M.D. contract that I get summer, fall, and every other winter off.)
As it is already August, I can safely assume that most of you have spent many an air-conditionless eve cursing your Facebook feed and its rampant assault of other peoples vacation photos unto your tired, overworked eyes. “Why do they get to go on vacation? I work hard and I never get to go anywhere!” you bemoan. Well, I’ll tell you why- it’s because most people are better at life than you. They went to college right after high school and have an actual resume and always use condoms and feel 100% comfortable in social situations.
You were right all along. It is just you.
Don’t feel too bad about that though (feel bad, just not too bad.) I have decided to pretend to take pity upon you during a momentary reprieve from my fantastic and easy life, to offer some solid advice on how to make the most out of what’s left of the summer.
First things first: in order to enjoy a nice vacation one must have the proper funding to do so. How many monies is considered a “proper” number of monies? Let’s put those dormant math skills to use. Say, I don’t know...“Krissy” has less than $700 in her bank account. She pays $725/month in rent, and her credit card bill is currently over $1000. “Krissy” still wants to go on vacation; where can she go? The correct answer is: Buffalo, NY. That’s right! Because I am (I MEAN, SHE IS!!) an idiot who likes to buy a hundred deli sandwiches a week, and can’t stop buying dog toys, she was limited to ten exciting days and nine sexy nights in the Queen City itself! So basically, if you want to take a nice vacation to someplace that is not somewhere along the Rust Belt, you will need to have, at the very least, more than -$1,025.00. “Ok, you’re a Wicked Smart Doctor, can you tell me how to make more money?’ you ask, stupidly. Well, although “Krissy” clearly does not have much working knowledge in the area of managing the dolla bills, and I do, I suppose I would suggest doing something bold and exciting, like ruining someone else’s credit. Just ask anyone with decent credit to co-sign something... and then don’t pay it! This could also double as an April Fool’s prank (you’re welcome!). Sure, no one will be making money, and that vacation will still have to go un-taken, but at least it’s money related, and that sure would make for a crazy story, wouldn’t it? You know what they say: a crazy story is worth a thousand words, which is at least as valuable as -$1,025.00.
Next thing’s next! So you’re stuck at home. Oh man, that sucks! You should try modeling/doctoring! Anyway, you are home. You are broke. It is hot. “What can I do?!” you wail. Umm, I have an idea... YOU COULD STOP BEING SO WHINY! Have you tried doing that? Now shut up and let me help you! Okay, since the term “staycation” was coined by the demons of the content-spewing internet machine, you don’t even need to leave your house to enjoy the break you’ve broken your back for the last fifty one weeks to earn! The key to having a great “staycation” is doing everything you would normally do on regular vacation, except here. That means letting your hair down, exploring the culture by socializing with the locals, taking a million photos to share with your friends, and, oh what the hell, maybe even enjoying a little summertime fling! Unfortunately, these terms translated into “staycation” language will likely result in you getting blackout drunk and soliciting your landlord for sex, before aggressively attempting to return the bathing suit you didn’t get to wear to your local TJ Maxx (no receipt, NO DICE!). At least you’ll make an appearance in the paper as “Drunken Maniac Demands Store Credit,” and I am sure all of your friends will definitely see and remember that photo for years to come.
Wow. That escalated quick. You were on “staycation” for like 45 minutes dude- what the hell happened? Well, with just a few more of those sweet vacation days left to enjoy- (after those two days in jail, and that one day avoiding all those stupid phone calls. Thanks for nothing “lawyer.”)- there is no better time than the present to just unwind, draw up a hot bath, open up a good book, and just count the days until the suspension on your license has been lifted. Hope you enjoyed it. Only 358 days until a shot at the next one. For that one maybe just save all your change for a year- it really does add up.
Remember, vacation does not have to be spent in some beautiful, faraway destination, creating memories that will last a life time with your friends, family, or loved ones. Of course, it would be way better if it were any of those things (minus the family) but you know, whatevs.
