TALKING DIRTY WITH JOHN VALBY
Magic City Music Hall will be hosting the legendary John “Dr. Dirty” Valby this December.
When I first discovered his videos online, I was reminded of my father: He plays a good stride piano, and sings about ejaculating. So I figured this must be some sort of karmic retribution: I should confront the things I find to be most despicable, and interview the man. The scene at Magic City is looking pretty raunchy these days, and I prefer any musician over little people wrestling, so here we are. When I asked how he was doing, he replied jauntily, “I’m still alive!” Here’s the rest of that conversation:
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TCC: When I mentioned that you were playing to my Editor-in-Chief, he referred to you as a “legend.” Is this something you’re used to hearing?
JV: I do hear that; it always seems a little weird to me, but, I’ve heard it before. You know, I can remember being on a sailboat with a bunch of people- I was in my twenties- and they were saying, “If you sing that stuff, you can’t get on the radio,” and I said, “Well, I’ll just have to settle for being an underground legend,” in a laughing kind of way. So it’s kind of nice when you hear that every now and then.
TCC: Do you feel like you’re building a legacy?
JV: I don’t feel anything like that, but I suppose it’s true- you know, I still do dirty songs people wrote back in the 1800s- there once was a man from Nantucket, all that stuff- that’s been around for years. So, I’m hoping that some of the stuff that my buddy and I had written, that they’ll be singing it to their kids 50 years from now, who knows?
TCC: That’s interesting- so, you said you’d want people singing it to their kids. Would you want all of your songs to be sung to people’s children?
JV: Oh, not young children! Once they start getting horny, then you sing them dirty songs. Not little kids.
TCC: You’re quite prolific- do the songs just come out of you, or do you ever labor over them?
JV: Mostly, the truth is, when we’re in the truck driving home after the jobs, we get tired and we get silly, and sometimes, things just start coming up. And on the way to jobs, just before the show, under pressure, stuff comes out. But we don’t really struggle- we’ve been doing it for years, so there’s a huge catalogue of songs in my head now. Well, we’ll see how long they stay in my head.
TCC: When you say “we”- you have songwriting partners?
JV: Yes, I have a songwriting partner named Ron Lombardo; he goes on the road with me, and he’s a real funny guy. We’ve been like partners for years.
TCC: For a long time?
JV: Yes, 35 years. I’ve been with him longer than I’ve been with any of my wives.
TCC: Oh… how many times have you been married?
JV: Three or four.
TCC: Three or four. Okay.
JV: More than I should have, but I’ve finally settled down about 25 years ago- we had six kids between the two of us and we’ve been very nice to them. We’re taking care of them pretty well, yeah.
TCC: So you’re from Western New York?
JV: I grew up in Rochester, yes.
TCC: I saw the word “dirt” comes up a lot in your bio online. Have you ever worked with actual dirt, like, worked with the land, up in New York State?
JV: [Laughs] No, it’s all mental dirt.
TCC: There are some other words for that, but, fair enough. How about being a doctor- have you ever considered medical school, or pursuing a PhD?
JV: [Laughs] No, my manager gave me that nickname one time at some concert; he said, “Dr. Dirty,” and it stuck. It’s appropriate.
TCC: I wonder, if you were an actual doctor, how that would all unfold.
JV: I don’t know. I went to graduate school in philosophy, so I could’ve been a Doctor of Philosophical Bullshit. That’s my theme song; “Philosophical Bullshit,” is my theme song. I start every show with that song.
TCC: So, speaking of your shows- just looking online, I noticed that one thing that seems to appear onstage with you a lot- and I don’t know if this is still the case- is women’s breasts. It seems like you, kind of, get women to strip for you.
JV: Well, it only lasts for two or three seconds. I do a song called “Barnacle Bill the Sailor” and I get girls to come up to play the part of the Fair Young Maiden, and I do offer them the chance to express their freedom and happiness.
TCC: Oh, interesting.
JV: It’s just a whim; it’s a silly party- basically, it’s a fraternity party, and we’re just sitting around, drinking beer and singing stupid songs, having a good time and if a girls want to… I like moons, too- those are real good [laughs].
TCC: So it’s an expression of freedom and happiness- you don’t feel like you’re objectifying them?
JV: Objectifying them? No, not at all. It’s more like adoring them.
TCC: Okay. So, do you have daughters?
JV: Yes, I have five daughters, actually.
TCC: Do you ever reflect on the content of your work, and these parts of your shows, in regard to your daughters? When you have women onstage showing their breasts, and you have songs about ejaculation- when you think about your own daughters- and their relationships with men, and their roles in the world- does that ever cause you to reflect in certain ways about your work?
JV: No, because if I did that, I would be taking myself too seriously. This is just fun; this is just frivolities. The human race was born horny, and there’s lots of unused horny energy, and getting it out in the form of laughter is way better than any other form that I know of, like war, rape, you know, all that stuff.
TCC: When I was researching you, I read that you were living in a beautiful house in Clarence, New York, that burned down unexpectedly. Did you ever find out how that occurred?
JV: No- the official cause that’s listed is “undetermined.” It was a possible arson, but it was also a possible cigarette butt tossed off a porch, that was smoldering all night. It started about 9:15 in the morning on a Sunday. You know, it just seems weird that anybody would [commit] arson in the daytime on Sunday. It just doesn’t make sense to me. So, we really don’t know. But, anyway, I rebuilt a house on the same land- had to dig down one foot deeper to make it official- but I’m in the same place. Nicer house- everything works now. And there aren’t bugs- it was an old log cabin; there were lots of little critters living with me.
TCC: So, basically, your situation has improved.
JV: Oh yes, I love my new house- it’s wonderful. I have my recording studio in the house. I can stay in my long jonhs and just go down to the studio. I’m a happy little guy right now.
TCC: That’s good to hear. Let’s talk about your musical training: you studied classical piano.
JV: Yes, I learned classical piano from a nun: Sister Mary Leo. My dad had string quartets in the house when I was a little kid, and he would let me sit in the house and listen to them. I heard just awesome music- Brahms and Mozart and Haydn and oh, my god, it was awesome. I always loved music. Music is my main love, and this dirty stuff is really fun and I make a living at it, but music’s where my heart is.
TCC: Do you have a preferred style that you really enjoy playing?
JV: If I had to pick one, it’d be the blues. But I don’t have to pick one. Variety: it’s the spice of not only sex, but life, and music.
TCC: Do you have any New Year’s resolutions?
JV: No- I believe that every day is the best day of the world. I’m too old to have New Year’s resolutions! What do I want to change for? I’m having a great life. How’s that for bullshit?
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John “Dr. Dirty” Valby will be spouting more philosophical bullshit at Magic City Music Hall, located at 1240 Front Street in Binghamton, on Saturday, December 12th at 8pm. Tickets are $20 and available through Ticketmaster or at the Magic City box office. Visit johnvalbynation.com for a good old-fashioned website experience.
