HOW TO HAVE A REGRETTABLE ST. PATRICK’S DAY, TOTALLY SOBER!
With the vernal equinox falling on the 20th of the month, March could be celebrated as a time of rebirth, renewal, and growth. Because most people rely on self-medication to withstand the banal disappointment that is their daily, waking life, however, it is more commonly associated with the mess of a celebration that is St. Patrick’s Day!
I don’t mean to sound bitter. If you can drink and not end up on drugs and estranged from your family for years at a time, all the more power to you. I just can’t seem to drink and not end up doing that, so I make a choice not to, every day. I haven’t had a drink or a drug in almost six years. In that time, I have less often found myself in a position to be like, “I don’t know, I was drunk!” upon realizing I had just done some embarrassing shit. But that doesn’t mean I can’t still make decisions I immediately regret! Now that I’m no longer dependent on mind and mood altering substances, I don’t need to make petty excuses for the terrible decisions I make! I can make them all by myself!
Not drinking doesn’t have to be boring, and with the right mindset we can still make a dramatic mess of our lives. Here are just a few of my favorite ideas for staying busy while sober. Feel free to try any, or all of them, this St. Patrick’s Day!
Overeat! For anyone who may be newly off the wagon (or on or WHATEVER the phrase is, I can never remember), you’re probably missing those sweet, sweet hangovers. Taking up the better part of the day after you’ve tied one on, facing the loss of a hangover can feel like facing the loss of a good friend. What to do with all this time?! Well, what if I told you that you can still feel just as terrible, without the euphoria? All you need to do is replace your liquid diet with a solid one! The secret is to start way late in the day - like, after most people have already gone to bed - and keep eating well after you’re full. Voila! Hope you didn’t make plans for tomorrow, cuz you ain’t going anywhere!
Online shop! If you thought you needed to be hung over - or up for days at a time at some hotel you’ve been squatting at in San Antonio for god only knows how long - in order to hit rock bottom, you couldn’t be more wrong! All you need is a high-speed internet connection, a credit card, and several free hours between 12-3am. Not only will you get a ton of stuff in the mail 7-10 days after you forgot you ordered it, but you’ll get to bring some spice back into your life! If screening your phone in order to avoid answering any calls from mysterious numbers with Idaho area codes isn’t the definition of a good time, well then I just don’t know what is!
Make a dramatic change to your appearance! You know that feeling at the end of a long night of drinking where you’re kind of standing/swaying in front of the bathroom mirror, assuming you have a good friend who steered your dumb ass into an actual bathroom, thinking to yourself, “I can’t tell if I need to puke or poop or just cry, this seems like as good a time as any to text my ex-boyfriend”? Of course you do! Better recognized as the “This Is What a Bad Breakup Looks Like” bangs, a dramatic change to your appearance will give you something to obsess over for the next 4-6 weeks, or however long that side of your shaved head takes to grow back. Until then, you’ll be the “fun” girl! Your hair will read like one of those kitschy vacation shirts, except instead of “My Parents Went to Florida and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt,” everyone will attempt not to stare as “My Ex Went On with His Life Without Me and All I Got Was This Crazy Haircut.”
Get in a fight! See, pretty much all of these are looking like things you did when you drank, aren’t they? The fun doesn’t have to end just because you no longer reach for the bottle! And by “fun” I mean a seemingly endless sense of shame, regret, and embarrassment. Fighting sober is pretty much the same as fighting drunk, except now you realize how sensitive you actually are about 45 minutes later, carrying the remorse with you for possibly the next several years as you find yourself throwing your change into that “Save the Animals” bucket by the register in a misguided attempt to amend your wrongs.
Hook up! Sober sex. I can feel you all shuddering at the very mention. I don’t even need to elaborate on this one. Super gross.
Marathon-watch something disgusting. When most people hear that I’m a sober person, they recoil in disgust, attempting to understand me with questions like “why?” and “not even beer?” The rest are intrigued by my potentially healthy lifestyle, assuming that I wake up early to do yoga and meditate before juicing my breakfast. Being clean is not even close to being that awful. I wake up at 11... 45 in the MORNING - because before noon is still technically morning - ignore all those “are you still there?” emails from the millions of language-learning apps I downloaded months ago in an effort at self-improvement, and stay up well into the wee hours of the night getting really familiar with all of The Real Housewives of everywhere. I usually come to several hours later, dehydrated, mildly sweaty, and having to pee really, really bad. It’s just like smoking crack, except you don’t get to drive around for hours looking for some chick named “Detox Debbie.”
You don’t need alcohol to have a bad time! Just keep not believing you’re worthy of experiencing love and happiness, and you, too, can have a super regrettable St. Patrick’s Day, just like everyone else!
