TIME TO PUT ON THE RITZ AT DR. KILMER’S SPRINGTIME GARDEN PARTY FOR HEALTH AND VITALITY

Has this erratic turn-of-the-century springtime given you the sniffles? Do you sense an imbalance of the liver? Tired of spending your Sundays at church?

Well, dear friends, there’s something to be done. Dr. Kilmer’s Springtime Garden Party for Health and Vitality will cure what ails you as you abandon the drudgery of the daily Binghamtonian life and enter a world where one’s only commitments are to croquet and gin. And your health, of course.

And what could be healthier than taking in some vitamin D while dressed to the nines on a gorgeous lawn, nibbling on smoked salmon mousse and sipping a liquid remedy? Nothing I’ve done in the past five months, that’s what. And I know I’m not the only one who could use a little “health care.”

But this party isn’t all revelry with no cause. Could you imagine: the poor children of Hillel Academy, not so long ago, were displaced from their safe haven of enlightenment. And you wouldn’t believe: the very roof caved in- in a House of God! I know that the promise of fine cocktails (for your health), lawn games, and delicious food is enough to convince me to spend fifty-five clams on a Sunday. But if you must know where it’s going (your cash, that is), a healthy sum will be devoted to the academy. Think of the children!

But enough about children- I prefer booze. For my health! As a female, my constitution doesn’t always feel quite- ahem- balanced. We have our ups and downs, you know. But I hear tell that a little concoction will be peddled at this event that was specially formulated for the fairer sex. With gin, of course. And rosemary! I can’t divulge the rest of the recipe: doctor’s orders.

There will be other medicinal cocktails served at the gin mill, but one needn’t become completely ossified to have a roaring time. I, for one, have been getting a bit too fried to the hat lately, so you can find me on the lawn taking lessons from a big cheese in the croquet world- a dame who knows her game.

And speaking of games, there should be plenty of bearcats, hot tomatoes and lounge lizards looking all hotsy-totsy, flaunting and flirting on the lawn and in the mansion. If you want to find yourself necking by the end of the night, you best get dolled up. This isn’t a second-rate juice joint we’re talking- this is the real, ritzy McCoy. This fine affair is being thrown by Dr. Kilmer's business associates at the Bingpop Creative Services Company, so you can be sure that your simoleans will be well-spent.

Why, the big boys of the Basin Street Jazz Band will be there, playing on the porch the kind of tunes that will have you kicking your dogs in no time flat. They really are quite ducky, sure to satisfy even the antsiest of floorflushers. There will be a nice, wide tent outside, and plenty of space on the first floor of the mansion to mill around, indulge in delectable grub, and get a little zozzled, even. So the party will be on, rain or shine, though I am sure the sun will be shining. For your health!

Speaking of health, I do hear that raw fish does wonders for the constitution (just look at the Japanese!) and there will be a sushi bar at this party. Those young wonders over at the Colonial, with help from our ever-blossoming culinary community, have some fine creations in store, with all kinds of yakitori and some French flavors, too- because we’re not afraid of our friends across the sea, now, are we? Not if they teach us how to cook! And I won’t even begin jabbering about what a good, marinated flank steak can do when you’re lacking in the iron. Come, see for yourself! You’ll be feeling better in no time.

Alright, I’m through beating my gums- I’ve already given you an earful. Bunnies, do come to the Jonas Kilmer Mansion, located on the swanky Riverside Drive, Number Nine, in booming Binghamton. The revelry takes place on June 14th, from 4 to 8pm. It’ll cost you $55 to get in, plus some extra cash if you care to imbibe. To your health!