WHO SAYS WE'RE BLIGHTED? THE PRICE IS RIGHT LIVE COMES TO BINGHAMTON

Heather Merlis, come on down! You’re the next contestant on The Price Is Right!”

I remember screaming, my face lit up, as I squeezed through the row of frat boys and senior citizens, and ran down the aisle to the stage. My price tag-shaped name tag pinned to my chest, I was ready to guess how much shit cost.

Only, that never happened. It was more like: I was lying on my couch, home “sick” from elementary, middle, high school: horizontal, yet fully invested in my own mental wagers. How much is a blender?

So many hours of my youth were spent taking this regularly televised consumerist quiz. I would see Barker’s Beauties, those long-haired ladies who were forbade to talk. They showed us the prizes that we could win, so long as we didn’t go over the retail price (remember retail?), not even by a cent.

Then there were those jerks who thought they were being clever by guessing a penny above the last person’s wager, essentially sabotaging their opponent’s chances of advancement. There were also those idiots who would guess one cent below the last guess. That just didn’t make any sense.

But what kept me, and all of us, engaged in this competition- aside from the dangling carrots of each round’s correct prices- was the promise of vicariously arriving to the Showcase Showdown. This was the segment at the end of each show, where the two finalists- the cream of the capitalist crony crop- were shown an array of prizes that were lumped together, to be won as a full package.

But it always seemed that one showcase was superior. It would go something like this: one contestant is shown a shiny new Corvette, a new stereo system, and then the wall would slide open like a pair of sheetrock curtains to reveal a trip to Hawaii! Contestant Number One jumps up and down, rapidly clapping, or, if male, pumps his fist or something.

But then second showcase is presented, offering a brand new dinette set, a bunch of knives, and, like, a trip to Colonial Williamsburg. It wasn’t fair. Contestant Number Two pretends to be excited, but its clear- even to my eleven-year-old self- that this person has been shafted.

Flash forward to 2015: it seems that not much has changed with this show, aside from the fact that it is now hosted by an unrecognizably thin Drew Carey, in place of the overly-concerned about the pet population Bob Barker. And now there’s a live version that tours the country, and it’s coming to Binghamton! That’s right, if you want to get up close and personal to the Plinko board or any of the “models” (they are no longer “Barker’s Beauties”), you need to do more than fake a fever and lie on your mom’s sofa.

This live version features a “celebrity host,” and is a kind of staged pseudo-version of the show. But it seems to be pretty close to the original: there’s a big wheel, clapping people, and money. Personally, if I want the authentic Price Is Right experience, I could just go down to the laundromat and look at any of their televisions. If you’re looking for something slightly more stimulating, this could be your golden opportunity to win big.

But, please, remember to help control the pet population. Get your pets spayed and neutered.

The Price is Right Live will be coming on down to the Floyd L. Maines Veterans Memorial Arena at 7:30pm on Wednesday, April 8th. Visit thepriceisrightlive.com for tickets and more details.