March 2017 Horoscopes
Robert J. Bullock is a local musician, mentalist, and overall smartypants. As far as we know, he knows nothing about astrology.
Aries (March 21-April 19) Your characteristic optimism has been worn down by an unstable world and relentless bad news, but spring brings new opportunities for personal growth and happiness. Beware of those who would discourage you from taking chances. Spend more time with friends doing simple, wholesome things like baking, board games and playing music. Also, try skydiving. Everyone is doing it. You’ll be fine.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) It’s bad news for Tauri this month. For one thing, you can’t find a shampoo brand you’re really happy with and the quest has drained you, financially and emotionally. Things won’t get better until you change your attitude and learn to live with life’s little imperfections. Also, try the Theorie stuff. It’s amazing and they have a bunch cheap at TJ Maxx at the Town Square “Mall”.
Gemini (May 21-June 20) Gemini are a curious lot YET you’ve never tried LSD. Why not? What’s the problem? Are you afraid of “losing it”? Or “breaking the law”? Either way, you should give it a go. What’s the worst that could happen? And should things go wrong, fear not! A sweet young lady will appear to comfort you. She’ll take your hand as you walk down Main Street ranting and raving. Trust.
Cancer (June 21-July 22) As always you show up when least expected and are generally unwelcome. It’d be a good idea if you moved to a remote cabin in the woods and lived in isolation forever. Your very nature creates pain and chaos everywhere you go. Hence, your paranoia that everyone is out to get you is completely justified. We are. We will.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) This is a time for you to shine like the star you’ve always been. You’re looking great (as always!), are in a great place emotionally and brimming with creativity. It’s a time you to take on big challenges. While success is not guaranteed, in the end you’ll always be fine because everyone loves a Leo. Leos are truly superior to the rest of us.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Virgos are normally very analytical and great problem solvers. Things are about to change. A realignment of the planets will rob Virgos of any ability to think critically for the next six months. They will accept virtually anything they are told as fact and be easily manipulated into making choices that will prove detrimental to their physical, mental, and financial well-being. Good luck.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Spring is in the air and for Libras that means further emotional instability and financial loss PLUS horrible allergies. It would be a good idea to take a vacation to recharge if only you had the money. Try to stay positive even though you know in your heart of hearts that life is inherently painful and ultimately pointless. And buy extra tissues. For the allergies.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Scorpio… the SCORPION! How cool is that?! You’re a bad ass Scorpion! Yet, you can’t get over the death of your pet more than five years ago. It was only a cat… or a dog. Whatever, an animal… who cares? Everything dies, get used to it. (By the way, I’ve run into a few actual scorpions in my day. I stepped on them. They are pretty defenseless, actually.)
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) You will have some fun in days to come and creatively express yourself in the weirdest of ways. Not only will you feel Venus move backwards in your fifth house, but you will sense many other things with so many entities whispering in your fourth house. Emotions will be your primal occupation and love, your only goal. Buy lots of lottery tickets as a financial windfall is definitely coming your way.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) You really need to get out and see people more. Social interactions will energize and delight you… until your social anxiety inevitably kicks in. You feel like everybody is analyzing you and it drives you nuts. To subvert that, remember that people are too busy thinking about what others are thinking about them to be thinking about you. At the same time, people don’t want you thinking about them so much, so better not to think about anything at all. Simple.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) I still have two more of these to write? I’m running out of ideas. I thought this would be a lot easier than it actually is. Twelve short paragraphs, no problem, right? I just don’t deal with pressure well. If I’m hungry I have no problem finding something to eat, but ask me to pick a restaurant for a group outing and I whither under the pressure. Oh, look… just one more!
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) Your house is too small and now you’re regretting your decision to live in what is essentially a tool shed. Don’t waver from your commitment! The key is to dispose of unnecessary belongings. What do you need a bed for? Try to sleep standing up. It’s great for your health and you’ll get used to it in no time. Lean against a wall until you get the hang of it. Keep the baby grand piano, though. Life without music isn’t worth living, especially in your sad tiny home.
