April 2017 Horoscopes
This month, we call upon local comedian, actor, and writer Tim Mollen to channel the ancient wisdom of the skies. As far as we know Tim knows nothing about astrology. He did inform us that he’s very fond of jam, although he did not specify what varieties.
Aries (Mar 21- Apr 19) In a small but powerful subversion of editorial authority, I am willfully ignoring the following instructions for correctly formatting this horoscope column: There should be one space between the parenthesis and your horoscope, which will not be in bold. So, it will look like this. [Insert emoticon of Brett Favre having a pleasant bowel movement.] But you will obviously replace this with your writing. Nah. Each horoscope should be between 2-5 sentences long, or about 3 lines. How many does this one make? Have fun (and be nice)! Too late.
Taurus (Apr 20- May 20) Oh, man. This is really cool. You’re not gonna believe what happens this month. Stock up on hats and those clear, plastic things that you can put over the top of your calculator to prevent crumb damage.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) Your attitude towards the Sagittarians in your social circle may lead to book club meetings fuller than usual with bitter ennui. Bridge that chasm with Garfield bookmarks that refer to lasagna only sparingly.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) There are several Moons Over Your Hammy. As a result, money will pass in and out of your hands like a sausage violently exiting its casing.
Leo (July 23-Aug 22) I’m guessing Leo DiCaprio was born under this sign, but I don’t feel like Googling it. The last time I Googled an actor from “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?,” I found out - and it deeply saddened me.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22) For your new career as an ASMR artist, you should record yourself putting your lips dangerously close to a ceiling fan and repeating the phrase “Mmmm – nubbins.”
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22) Streaming movies don’t have commentary tracks, so sit just behind your significant other and point out all the times you would totally “tap that.”
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21) This space available. Send a PayPal payment of $13.95 to tim@timmollen.com.
Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 21) Beware of Geminis hijacking your book club meetings with pasta-laden, analog devices for saving your place in your book. Get all up in their grill about the lame, gluten-enhanced snacks they keep bringing as potluck.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) Peer out from your safety cocoon with the eyes of a warrior. Your true friends will recognize your luminous integrity and chip in to buy you a bagel. Accept it with the grace befitting a colossus bestriding the globe in search of cream cheese that lives up to its name.
Aquarius (Jan 29-Feb 18) Bear your water for all the right reasons, but then mix it with Tang and pour it into ice cube trays and cover it with plastic wrap and stick toothpicks in it for all the wrong ones. Also, harass Jeff Bridges if he has a book signing near you not dressed as the Dude (or El Duderino if, you know, you’re not into the whole brevity thing).
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20) One word: plastics. One sentence: Breeze past plastics and dive deeply into chia-seeded ceramics. One subjunctive clause: suffice it to say there be two right here. I think. Multiple dipthongs: Ow, my thong hurts when I glide from one vowel to the next. One monophthong: uh, as in “Uh, what’s a monophthong?”